As I sit on my couch writing this, I’m surrounded by my warm dog, heating pad, and lavender essential oil neck pillow. My upper back, neck, and shoulders are on fire. The pain is sharp and dull at the same time, if that’s even possible.
My relationship to my body has been an interesting one. I walk around mostly disconnected. It takes conscious effort to know what exactly I’m feeling. I’m mostly unaware of feelings and sensations.
In the last few months, that has changed. I’m now making more of a conscious effort to connect to my body. As my therapist says, “the body keeps the score (amazing book as well).” It definitely feels like my body has been keeping the score. Every single time I was afraid. Every single time I felt danger. Every single time I was frustrated. Every single time I was sad. My body has kept the score.
Now that I’m working on my trauma, it’s all surfacing. It’s a reminder of everything that needs to be dealt with. A reminder of all that has been ignored. Most importantly, it’s a reminder that I’m not as numb as I thought. The pain is reminder of the realness of everything I’ve been through. It’s a reminder of how bad it was, and a reminder of how much I have yet to go through.
Right now, it hurts while I sit, sleep, or partake in any other activity. According to my online searches, trauma and chronic pain are common companions. I’ve also found charts of how we hold certain emotions in certain parts of our body. According to this chart, we hold emotional burdens on our shoulders, lack of emotional support on the upper back, and lack of forgiveness on our necks. I’ve never read something that resonated more.
As I move forward, I’m going to focus on these, as I make time to get to know my inner child. While there is a lot of resistance about this, my therapists is insisting it’s very necessary. I’m also working on being more active to try and work through my pain.