Yesterday, I had someone ask me out on a date. I initially declined, but I decided to agree. It’s made me ponder my dating life, so I decided to put in into writing.
For those of you who’ve known me for a long time, you know I was a bit of a serial dater. There were long term relationships, and for the most part, I was always in a relationship until I was about 23 years old. In all honesty, I wanted to be saved. I needed to be saved from my self-hatred, loneliness, and lack of self-worth. For this reason, these relationships failed. I’m a believer that like attracts like. Therefore, I dated nice guys, but guys who needed healing as well.
My last relationship ended in 2011. It was a decision that I made after not getting my way. In reality, it was exactly what I needed. I truly believe it was what he needed as well. We’re still friends, and he’s made great progress with his own healing journey.
Anyways, I find myself single, and I dated for a few months. I met someone who was very different from everyone else. I fell hard, but due to circumstances outside of our control, it didn’t work. That’s probably the biggest pain I’ve experienced. At this point, I found myself searching for myself. It was too painful to date. It was also a turning point for me… dating had led me nowhere. I was no closer to love or my idea of ideal love as I was when I was a young child.
I found myself delving more deeply into my spirituality. I found myself avidly studying Buddhism and eastern philosophy. I found myself learning about new age and psychology. My favorite section of the bookstore became spirituality and self-help. I realized that I needed to cultivate my own love, security, and be my own savior.
It’s been 8 years, and there are times where I want to date. There have been some dates. Overall, nothing has developed. I’ve also found myself more comfortable being alone. Truth is, growing up in a household without choices has left me unwilling to compromise. To be in a relationship, you have to compromise. I want to do what I want, watch what I want, and I’m being selfish around that. Part of my work in therapy is centered around being vulnerable. In my journey to self-love, I’ve become more independent than I aimed to be. For now, it’s ok. Will this date happen? Maybe. What will happen is my continued commitment to myself.