As I write this, my thoughts are racing. Why am I here? Why did you accept this job? Are the kittens ok? Is Dobby ok? Is this all there is? Run. Stay. Scream. Smile. Breathe.
In the last month, my internal state has been utter chaos. From being unhappy in my own reality to having more responsibilities than I should’ve accepted. To having friends that mean well point out my flaws. To trying to find a way out of my current life. Everything seems like too much, but yet it’s not enough.
There is a nervous tick within. I can’t sit still. I can’t take a break. For the first time in my life, I can’t even sleep much. It’s all chaos. If I look at my surroundings, I’m starting to see the chaos spread like a disease. My coffee table has bit too much stuff on it. My fridge isn’t very organized. My food choices are getting junkier by the day. I’m not able to keep up with my to do list. I’m actually missing things on my to do list, which has always been kept in my mind.
My chaos is interesting. It’s comforting and discomforting. It’s familiar yet excruciating. It’s energizing and depleting. It’s the meeting point of my childhood and the adulthood I must escape. It is the screaming child inside a very calm facade. A facade that is seconds away from crumbling into a million pieces.
As I move forward, I look to find ways to calm this inner chaos. Perhaps by finding ways to cope. Perhaps by running away from it all. Perhaps by sitting in it and acknowledging it. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I have to keep trying.