For my first post of the year, I wanted to focus on my spirituality and how it relates to my trauma.
As stated in previous posts, I grew up in a catholic household. It was never something I related to, or connected to. I knew there was something else out there for me. The limitations and teachings simply were not me.
I was always curious. I think that curiosity stemmed from hopelessness. It’s easy to want something to rely on when everything else is hopeless. While the notion of God seemed quite wrong to me, the appeal of hope was ever present.
At the age of 16, my search began. I knew there had to be more. I was a spiritual seeker. I knew what didn’t work, but I had no idea what would work. At this time, I bought my first deck of tarot cards. At the time, it seemed like a good way to connect to something. Since then, I’ve been reading tarot cards as a way to connect to myself.
As my search continued, I found myself looking at Buddhism, Hinduism, Paganism, Taoism, Shamanism, and many others. They were all interesting, but not quite right. Something was still missing.
To this day, I’m still figuring out what I believe in. It’s ever changing. What I have found to work for me is a melting pot of different things. Do I believe in God? I’m not sure. I’m still undecided, but I do believe in my own divinity. I believe in the power of my subconscious and my interconnected. I believe in the power of my of mind.
I use meditation, shamanic journeys, archetypes in the form of spirit guides and even deity, natal charts, reiki and other energy healing modalities, and tarot. I also use other forms of spirituality to help me heal. Overall, my spirituality is very psychospiritual. Growing up Catholic means that I still carry shame around these beliefs and practices. It’s been a reoccurring topic during therapy. It’s something I’m still coming to terms with, but it’s something I have to accept in order to accept myself.